Jokes and more 1

1. Man : How old is your father ?Boy : As old as meMan : How can that be ?Boy : He became a father only when I was born
2. Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue andfrog's leg.Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give themenu card.
3. Teacher: Kumar, your composition on "My Dog" isexactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
4. Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible toteach you anything!Son : That's why I say she's no good!
5. Manager : Sorry,but I can't give u a job. I don'tneed much help.Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm justthe right person in thiscase. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
6. Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Goand say sorry to her."Son : (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorryyou are stupid.
7. Teacher: "Spell 'WATER',"Girl : "HIJKLMNO."Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER',"Girl : "Yes, it does it's all the letters from 'H to O'."
8. Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote suchmaster pieces?"College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2Bor not 2B."
9. "Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have anybrothers or sisters who will be coming to school.""That's nice of her to take such an interest. Whatdid she say when u told her u are the only child?""She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
10. Teacher: "Where were u born?"Student: "Singapore, Sir."Teacher: "Which part?"Student: "All of me, Sir."
11. Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn'tmiss it!"
12. Good news and bad newsPatient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.Patient : What happened?Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and somebad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient : Well... The bad news first ...Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that wehad to amputate both of them.Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?Doctor : There's a guy in the next ward who made avery good offer on your slippers.
13. Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist : 90.00.Patient : 90.00 for just a few minutes work???Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
14. Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"Student : "No comb, Sir."Teacher : "Use your dad's then."Student : "No hair, Sir."
15. A boy come home from school with his exam results."What did u get?" asked his father."My marks are under water," said the boy. "What dou mean 'under water'?""They are all below 'C'(sea) level"
16. Girl : Do you love me ?Boy : Yes Dear, Girl : Would you die for me ?Boy : No, mine is undying love
17. Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs? Waiter : Sit down, sir,we serve anyone.
18. Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?Customer : No, I can't.Waiter : Then does it really matter?
19. Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.Waiter : Yes Sir,they are not very good swimmers.
20. Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.Waiter : That's all right,Sir, he won't drink much.
21. Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in mysoup.Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call alifeguard.
22. Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly inmy tea cup?Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not afortune teller.
23. Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?
24. Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?Father : No. Why do you ask that?Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?
25. Lady : Is this my train?Station Master : No, it belongs to the RailwayCompany.Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take thistrain to Kuala Lumpur.Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's tooheavy.
26. Peter : What a pair of strange socks you arewearing,one is green and one is blue with red spots!Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got anotherpair of the same at home.
27. Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playingfootball and the game went into extra time.
28. Wife : Do you want dinner?Husband : Sure, what are my choices?Wife : Yes and no.
29. First Guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive.
30. " The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure," repliedher lover "What's your phone number?"
31. A drunkard was brought to court. Just before thetrial there was a commotion in the gallery.The judge pounded thegravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." Thedrunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda
32. An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'Mytrouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgettingthings.''How long has this been going on?' askedthe psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?'said the man.
33. 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump outof the window!2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.1st thief : Hurry! this is no time forsuperstitions.
34. Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field Teacher : How? Student : Ladies first.
35. Little Susie came running into the house afterschoolone day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 inschool today!" "That'sgreat, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to theliving room andtell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "Igot 50 in spelling,30 in Maths and 20 in Science.

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